Temptation and Psychosis…

Temptation and Psychosis...

I’m the most self loathing human on the planet. I love pain and agony and I wallow in both as often as I can. There is the idea that it brings inspiration, that it brings some fucked up form of clarity, that I can’t stand to see without a little massacre. It’s so fucking macabre, so 1986 Goth, so 2009 emo, so setting my place in history as the mistress of the great “blah, blah, blah”. It’s how this goes. I inspire and they work like demons searching from fresh souls, bathing themselves in my gore, my tedium. Each beat of my heart feeding one of these monsters, one of these hungry gremlins that just wants to devour what they perceive as an abundance of strength and intensity.
The idea better than the vessel.
Lapping at my dark, moist, walls looking for their own scent
proof that somewhere I must belong here
…with them
…at this very moment
but they ask questions
and they talk
.
.
.
too much
.
.
.
The redundancy of it all, if this were a different time I’d have the “vapors” and be faint….ALLTHEFUCKINGTIME!
I could scream or yell if I had any kind of leg to stand on…
but I don’t
so I can’t
so I won’t
I could slice myself open with this paring knife
watch myself bleed
feel…something….anything other than this
but scars don’t look good on girls and my abandon for discretion has subsided in my old age

sex:
civil disobedience in a war zone
balancing on the tightrope of destruction as I look back and wave
Real life Mario Brothers, running to catch the flag at the end, hoping time hasn’t expired.
He looks coyly back and grins and what can I do?
What can I say?
Freedom is a four letter word for fucked-up
This state of grace is just the path to martyrdom
Don’t worry, sunshine, this too will fade in the morning light.

Regina

Regina

As she quietly stepped around the corner, the events that had led her here were running frantically through her head. Regina had been in the orphanage for almost a year now and she decided that her stay here was over. Looking down a very long dark hallway. There were 3 doors on either side, a bathroom, four bedrooms, and two closets, but she had her sights on the big, deep red, wooden door at the end of the hallway. She wanted to get to Sister Josephs room. It was the only way out and the last stop before she was finally free. It was a straight shot but she was left wide open to being seen and that pesky cat was always around to announce the arrival and departure of anyone in the house. Carefully she stepped up to the first door. The threshold was deep and she could slip right into the shadow without drawing too much attention to herself. It was the entrance to Sam’s room. They were fast friends, in the beginning. Regina had really liked Sam, they would spend hours in the garden talking about where they would go when they left this place with it’s dark walls and deep hidden corners. The girls seemed like they’d found friends for life until one day the boy from the barn started coming around. They both had a crush on him but he liked Regina more. Sam’s jealousy stunned Regina when it finally came out that Sam had been telling the boy that Regina didn’t like him and that she wished he would find another barn to go live in. Once the boy disappeared and Regina found out what exactly had happened it wasn’t to much later that Sam found remnants of one of the dissected frogs from science class on her lunch tray, placed carefully between the 2 pieces of pressed meat that was served in the cafeteria.
The hallway had been still, long enough and it was time for Regina to slip into the next shadow and hope she didn’t trip. Just two more doors and she’d be at her goal. Stepping softly onto the hard wood floor she heard it give a little and let out a whine like she’d crushed a critters tail under foot. Her entire body got stiff. If she could just make it over to Gingers door she’d be safe. With one step she slipped into the next familiar corner. Planting her feet firmly on the edges of the bottom of the door as to not make the floor cry again, she gained her Ginger was a quiet girl but when she spoke she had the force of a lion inside of her. She was the first person Regina met when she was left there by her mother. Regina had a difficult time adjusting to her new surroundings and Ginger was nice to her. She helped her find her way around and warned her about the grey, pressed meat, with no smell, telling Regina that some of the girls had seen Sister Joseph kill a rat and just knew that’s was what was used for the ”meatloaf”. One day when Ginger saw Regina getting picked on by some of the other girls she came up and simply said, “No!” It seemed to come from so far deep inside of her that it echoed in her belly before it shook the air around them. Regina had never heard anything quite like it. The girls looked at her with eyes the size of silver dollars and slowly walk backwards away from Regina. Ginger smiled and quietly walked away and they never spoke of it again. Regina had been grateful though and she would miss her.
Looking around again Regina was getting was ready to make her move. One foot in front of the other and she’d be at in front of Loralie’s room, directly across from the bathroom. She was starting to get nervous and her legs were shaking a little but she knew she had to move. Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the dim light in the hall. That’s when she heard the sound of soft, padded feet and she was sure she was done for. Just as the cat rounded the corner she slipped into the bathroom and closed the door silently behind her. Sitting on the floor, catching her breath she waited. This was too intense. Maybe she should just go back to
her room and tomorrow would be another day, she thought. Shaking her head she started to cry, another day of living here, where the sun never shines, the girls get meaner, the cat gets hungrier and the nun gets crazier everyday, she thought. This was truly the only way, she had to escape. Regina laid down on the floor and peeked under the bathroom door trying to catch a glace of the furry creatures shadow. When she was convinced the way was clear she crept back out into the hall and stepped into the doorway in front of her.
This door was special. It was Loralie’s room. She was Regina’s best-friend. Loralie was smart, funny and beautiful but most of all she was just a little bit evil. The moment the two girls met they stuck together like glue. Regina and Loralie explored the grounds together everyday they could, making up great adventures. They would fight dragons and discover new lands and laugh at how there were no boys here so they supposed they had to save themselves. Regina’s eyes started to fill with tears a little at the thought of leaving her partner in crime and adventure, behind to fight the dragons alone. Those monsters were relentless and Regina worried that they would take her friend so far away she’d never find her again. Reaching into her tiny pocket Regina pulled out a pressed daisy and slipped it under Loralie’s door. It wasn’t much but with the times they had spent together she knew that Loralie would keep it safe amongst the pages of whatever her favorite book of the moment was.
Regina was almost there. Her heart was pounding and she could feel it in her ears, she was sure it was so loud it would wake everyone in the orphanage but it didn’t and she knew that was a ridiculous thought. Stepping one more time into the final entrance before she reached the Sisters room she heard snoring and knew there was nothing she could do to wake this girl up. Her name was Danielle but she insisted that everyone call her Danni. When Danni arrived at the giant gates, Sister Joseph was there to greet her just like she was for every girl. This time though, the girl was dropped off by a man in a white lab jacket and not an
exhausted parent or random stranger that had found a girl somewhere. The girls had gathered in front of the windows to watch her come in. The man handed Sister Joseph a small white, paper, bag and smiled. Waving, he hopped into his car and off he went. Sister Joseph had told the girls about Danni, explaining that she had special medicine that she had to take to keep her honest and happy. Regina had heard about this “medicine” before and knew it meant that Danni had emotional problems, like most of the girls there but hers were probably on the more violent side.
Danni wasn’t a graceful girl. She was round like a basketball and grunted like a pig when she tried to talk. When she did Regina discovered that Danni wasn’t very smart either. It seemed every time Danni would open her mouth she was telling some grandiose story about her rich parents that were coming to get her. Regina and the other girls allowed for Danni’s delusions but knew in their hearts that no one ever got picked up from here. The only time a girl was allowed to leave was when she turned seventeen and then she had to. Sister Joseph would pack her a bag with two pieces of the gray meat, a chunk of bread and an apple and send the girl into the world to never been seen or heard from again.
Looking again to make sure the way was clear and the house was quiet Regina took a deep breath and stepped in front of the giant door that belonged to Sister Joseph. She was scared. Heart pounding, eyes wide, every noise she made echoed in her head. Taking a deep breath and holding it this time, she put her hand on the door knob and twisted it. Smoothly she opened the door and squeezed her little body through. She’d never been in Sister Joseph’s bedroom before and if she was caught here it was certain punishment. Sister Joseph had a small cellar under the kitchen that some of the girls had been in. When The girls did something the was deemed a sin, such as stealing a piece of bread because they were still hungry after dinner or get into fights with other girls, she would take them by the ear
and lead them to the tiny cave with only one candle and a single match. It was a horrible place. The walls were damp and the air was cold. There wasn’t much to sleep on but a pile of old rags that the sister had put down there to wipe the walls down with when it would rain.
Looking around Regina saw a large four poster bed. The foot was so high she couldn’t even see the lump under the blanket that was sure to be Sister Joseph, herself. Tip-toeing around the edge of the bed in the dark wasn’t easy but her eyes had almost adjusted to the extra darkness that seemed to fill this room. The lump in her throat wasn’t getting any smaller and she had to move fast. The dawn was coming and the cat would make another round just before breakfast, making sure all the rats were at bay for when the children woke up. Reaching the side of the bed she stretched one arm up and pulled herself onto the lip of the bed frame, giving her a perfect view of the sisters face. Regina froze, not expecting to be able to feel the hot breath of the sister on her own skin she held her own breath. Just then Sister Joseph rolled over with a large grunt and onto the other pillow. Regina was relieved. Slowly she slipped her tiny hand under this pillow on this side of the bed and searched. Just as she was starting to panic her little had touched something cold. With her fingertips she pulled it slowly to the edge and onto her hand. The key to the front gate was hers. Gradually she climbed down and backed away from the bed. Making it to the door gently she placed her hand on the door knob and turned it again, this time to let herself out. Hastily she slid across the floor to the stairs and started taking them one by one, careful to keep her feet on the very edges as not to allow the old wood to creek, she’d been practicing this. Reaching the bottom of the steps she could just see the light starting to come over the edge of the Earth. Knowing she had to hurry she almost ran to the front door. As she reached for it the mangy loud cat came around the corner and saw her. They startled each other but as Regina saw the mouth on the cat open getting ready to announce her leaving, she quickly and without grace opened
the front door and ran for the gate. Making it across the lawn she heard Sister Joseph yell from the door to come back but Regina didn’t let up, she just kept running. When she finally got there she slipped the giant key into the hole and turned, looking over her shoulder she saw the Sister running after her. Regina pulled the gate open and started running so fast she couldn’t feel her feet hitting the ground. The road in front of her was long and she knew there would be forks but anything was better then that place and as the sun rose in the sky she started laughing, it was a brand new day, after all.

The Future

The Future Copy

So here it is, the day I dreaded but was destined to happen.
Sitting alone in this coffee shop watching the morning happen from a window covered in raindrops.
I can feel my heart wilting.
It seems in the land of bad decisions, trying to make a good one is deadly.
Trying to stay in my home, on my feet and in my school has become more than difficult
Trying to maintain a pseudo-relationship from any distance is a joke
Today, before the spring has sprung, before the flowers have started to bloom, I’ve been broken.
A biopsy from the heart-meat, and it’s not even 10 am
PBR for breakfast is delicious.

Apology: Rejected!

Apology: Rejected!

peace offerings, like moldy cheese are often declined
but what can you do?
i mean…
i mean…
what the fuck do i mean?
i loved you but you didn’t love me
…in a way i recognized
not understanding what it all meant
not feeling the feeling i knew so well
i blinked
when my eyes were open it was over
i mean…
i’m full of myself
i mean…
it’s all your fault
isn’t that what i’m supposed to say
the way an angry, proud, person is supposed to react
buuut…there’s one problem with that…
i’m not angry
like
at all
i mean…
i’ve always respected you and always cheered you on
knowing that our paths have crossed over into the ”6 degrees of Detroit” category
it’s important to walk softly as to not show anything
the public, you know…they have eyes
i mean…
it’s all my fault
i’ll spit angry words
i chose my battles like a bitter child
i’m sorry…and…pathetic
isn’t the the demure way
the way a girl should act when her man wants less and less to do with her
i mean…that’s not right either
we did this
you didn’t…blah blah blah
i did…blah blah blah
i mean…
i mean…
i love you but our timing could NOT have been worse

Bound

Bound

choices….
the word rings, doesn’t it?
slides off the tongue like any other but softer…and has soooo many meanings
jealousy, though…not so many…
resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself
the blond with the blue eyes and the big tits
i mean feet
i mean cock
a place to keep the slippers warm
a home…or what could be a home if we weren’t so fucked up and full of ourselves
but

.

.

.
we
are
we pay the price of the temporary condition
we alienate honest men
then hope they’ll feed us
raw-like, creative, intense, brain-juice
it’s ugly in here but we’re divine through the looking glass
beautiful muses of the world, giving ourselves away everyday for just one fix
just a nibble on the ear from any genius that happens by

Mr. Joe Safety and 78 Things

Mr. Joe Safety and 78 Things

see you take pictures
drink wine on that roof one more time
kiss your cheek
smell your body
get tangled in your hair trying to find your neck
wake you up with kisses
feel you hand on my dick
go to a movie
talk about how strange it is that we met
have sex in public
go outside the city at night and see the stars
be nervous because you’re coming over
be stroked by you
feel your fingers in my hair
send sexy texts
do saki bombs
make out in a stairwell
do you doggie style
have you on top of me, hair dangling in my face
shop for wine
watch a dvd at my apt
see the small of your back and claw at it
hear you gasp a certain thing (that if i told you would ruin it)
make love ridiculously slow
get ice cream
stroke your hair
feel your ass
gaze into your eyes
bite your lip
get between your thighs
nestle my face in your crook of your neck
pick you up and hug you
spoon
undress you
play with your toes
put you on my lap
eat your pussy
spank you
pull your hair
feed you fruit
make you cum
spoon
sleep with my arm around you
play with your tits
breath your breath
chew on your ear
rub your back
draw words on your skin
stare at the ceiling on our backs holding hands
cum inside you
cum on you
listen to you sleep
put my finger in your mouth
tongue wrestle
blindfold you
kiss your chest
suck on your nipples
dress you
take a shower with you
give you a bath
put my hand up your skirt
take off your belt
have nothing to do, together
take your picture
kiss
taste your sweat
have you tell me something hard for you to tell
grab your hips and pull you into me
squeeze you
bite the back of your neck
listen to the rain outside with you in my bed
hold your wrists together over your head
bend you over and put my fingers inside you
go get food
drink coffee
be seen with you
watch you pee
hear you laugh
feel like there’s nowhere else you’d rather be

Then we shall be warm when we sleep…

Then we shall be warm when we sleep...

Stepping over bodies wrapped in mummy bags on the street, the smell of human filth filled my nose. The unwashed masses and their unholy stench; I felt my liquid dinner and slightly digested rice from lunch come up into my throat and I swallowed trying to keep it down. The last thing these people needed was my bile flavored booze all over them, soaking into their sleeping bags.
My nose raw from the rails done off the dresser last night and I can still seem to keep my balance as I walk a little farther. The wind picks up and it seems to pass directly through this thin green and tan jacket that I’m calling my coat, tonight. The hat on my head matches nothing. A blue nit skullcap that barely covers my ears does a shitty job of keeping my head warm. It’s late and I can’t remember that whores name anymore but I remember the color of her murky gray eyes and the smile. I wanted to backhand that cunt for her stupid grin.

He was skinny and weird and a little uncomfortable in his skin. There was quite a pile of tattoos that seemed to be covering his pale body and making him brave. When they weren’t offending the world he hid from everyone in plain site. The bottle helps make him dauntless enough to play in the populace. It was something we didn’t share. Always wanting to hide with mine I’d tell him to go out and bring me something to feast on. He’d laugh feeling the resonant joy of the demoralization of another coming from “his girls” mouth.
This wasn’t our first encounter, this was just the most recent. Our worlds collided in the midst of a blood bath and we were more then willing to burn down the world around us. It was the demise of too many long nights and too many lost hours of sleep. The drugs might be to blame, some might think it’s the booze but I think two sociopathic, self-proclaimed, narcissists in a close proximity of each other are always dangerous.
We wanted to hurt everyone around us but more than that…we wanted to hurt ourselves. Together we were like vicious dogs from the same pack, we’d fight to the death for one another but when there was nothing left to feed on we’d tear into familiar flesh before we’d starve. Just two hungry kids from the suburbs in love with pain and the light from a good explosion.
This time was different though, this time was about dancing with the dead and coming back to tell the tale. This was about living in the dark and never watching the sun rise through the heavy thermal blinds that seemed to be broken anyway. This was about Silence and how loud it could actually be. Movement within a desperate situation can make addicts of us all our intoxicants being the only variable. When she entered her pleather coat and cheap hand me down bag hit the floor.
If we were going to drown, we’d do it holding hands and the Silence that filled the room would watch. Explaining the thing we called love is like explaining to a child that fire hurts; they don’t really know till they’ve felt the seer of the heat against their skin, smell their own burning flesh and have been dragged screaming to some dingy Emergency Room run by a pissed off Doctor whose wife just left him.
A paroxysm when we collide, all collateral damage is inconsequential and if the world burns around us then we shall be warm when we sleep.

The Midnight Train

The Midnight Train

Dutch took ’em on the slow train to Peking
on La Brea Avenue
To find the Stax and Sun
They was reaching to get to
They was a rappin the fat scat
Diamond dialectos of points and taps
Between the chicken and the back
They drew themselves a bebop
Midnight map
They said ”do you got a map the next joint?”
”Do you got a map the next joint?” -Rickie Lee Jones